i’ve been back in brisbane for about two weeks now. no, three.

it’s been surprisingly wonderful. in fact, i knew it’d be good so it wasn’t that surprising. but it’s certainly been better than i thought. i think, i’m sure, it’s the people here or gone.

i left a year ago.
i started with the oxford internet institute summer doctoral programme. then i had a number of conferences in various parts of the world (including australia), and of course, my two fieldwork trips to seoul. the first research fieldwork led to my changing one of the three fundamental compenents of my research, and the participation rate was a bit lower than i had hoped, so the second one became a necessity rather than a luxury add-on. eventually i got the data i needed. and before coming back to australia, i went to india.

i was definitely wandering there. a lot. even when i was suffering from the lack of oxygen in leh, i kept wandering. there were moments when i felt death, and when i finally learned to be humble, and learned to accept kindness as well as defeat. at the same time, i worked on - with the other co-authors - a paper, i submitted a travel grant application, and i sent a consent form to a publisher for a book chapter now in press. important things were happening along with other important things. there was nothing i lost there except for those i wanted to lose.

i believe in the importance of playing. i believe it’s as important as other basic human needs such as eating, sleeping, and excreting. my phd is one step closer toward spreading and actualising this notion around the world - when we’re building a city, when we’re designing a social network, when we’re helping others, and so on.

while i was travelling, i found myself keep looking at parts of life that’s foreign to me through the familiar lens of play - more specifically that of mobile play culture. i was voluntarily stuck in this conceptual world, and exploration of other parts of the world only expanded this smooth world of mine.

but supervisors. yes. where were the great guiding souls? well, they were on skype, facebook, messenger, and emails - with me. and i came back to brisbane for a couple of weeks so that we could meet face-to-face. as a current phd student, and personally, no, i don’t see the absolute necessity for ftfs. however, i see my supervisors as mentors rather than mere advisors in a general institutional sense, so physical copresence is always welcome and joyous. but from the strictly managerial side of things, it’s not a must.

from my own experience, i’ve learnt that phd is more than a noun. it’s real and unreal at the same time; it keeps you going and consumes you (sometimes seemingly completely), and it reveals doubts as you resolve them both intellectually and emotionally. it’s a lifetime commitment. you will be over-qualified for … anything. you’re phd’ed.

in australia at least, the researchscape prefers young occupants - fresh honours graduates get two ticks when people with their masters have to fight for that one more extra tick to add to the given one, for example. some clever souls have figured it all out. they’re cool. but some - in fact, many including myself- have no idea when they rush to the glory land with a hope to score a scholarship and eventually a nice piece of paper saying you’re rather smart. here we forget it’s not a race. it’s a journey. cliche, but painfully true.

if one’s really not sure if they want to do phd, then it’s probably a good idea not to do it. it’s an uphill path right till the end. but if they decide to continue though with some big and small doubts, then luckily, in most cases the phd candidate gets to go to at least one place that’s new with a full or partial funding. and if one has means and willingness to phd while away, then go, i’d say without hesitation. go away with phd. and get away with it. you’ll find yourself phd’ing wonderfully passionately later.

at least that’s what happened to me in india.

now back in brisbane, i’m getting away with it passionately ;)

it was suggested that i would focus more on korea rather than sacrifising depth for breadth; why don’t you focus on korea? dropping japan and china brought about ambivalent feelings. on one hand, i was rather relieved that it’s more manageably narrow, but on the other hand, i was disappointed that i wouldn’t get a chance to explore - practically - countries that i really wanted to find out more about.

the major reason why i didn’t have much hesitation in accepting this change was that they had actually thought about my possible future trajectories - something that i don’t even think about as often and seriously as i should! i was very impressed by that.

so now i will be focusing on korea, but i can surely have china and japan as comparative subjects on a non-practical level i can look at theories and empirical studies on these two countries and use them in relation to korea. but michael mentioned that if i find in the future that it’s absolutely necessary for me to go over to china or japan, i can always talk to my supervisors.

i’m happy with the result; i don’t quite remember how my presentation went - i was really overly tired and still suffering from my hurried travel to uni with a concern that i may be late for my own confirmation.

academic results, ideas that we can talk about, ambitions, iq, and what not - there are many things that matter to me as a phd student. but yesterday, i realised what matters to me as a person is not such things, but what i already had but of which importance i had not been aware: genuine feelings. i was so touched by people who came to support me - some even with presents, some with drinks post-seminar, and some who were on the way out of brisbane.

this year was such a “people’s year” for me. i learned a lot of lessons, lost a few souls who were very special to me, and met new people wonderful and genuine. for all my life, i’ve always felt that i was in a in-between state; particularly being in between two different cultures with my family in one and friends in the other never felt so simple. on a positive note, it’s great as it gives me wider/varied viewes on things, but on a not so positive note, it’s very difficult to hold things together alone in between. i think i learned how to be stronger as i am this year through experiences and people. i’m very grateful.

i should go and get ready to go to GoMA to check out APT. got up late, no yoga for me, but still GoMA awaits! very excited. i’ll end with a quote that was written on the card lovely donna gave me yesterday:

The world of reality has its limits;

the world of imagination is boundless.

– Jean-Jacques Rousseau

there were so many other things that i wanted to include but i thought i had better things to do than perfecting my confirmation document. i managed to have about 14 hours of sleep in the past five days, and the last day of this madness, i couldn’t think about anything but rice crackers for some reason. i couldn’t get my mind off the subject. the texture, some wrapped in seaweed, some green, some glazed, the saltiness, the cracking sound in your mouth … it wasn’t even that i desired to eat them. it was just everything sensory about them that completely occupied my mind. i suppose writing your confirmation document is not such a sensory experience other than feeling the stiffness on your shoulder, dry eyes, constant hunger that is usually dealt with food that’s edible at its best, and dry skin (and mind), so it was very natural that my mind was craving for sensory experiences like a junkie.

in the literature review section, i didn’t include Csikszentmihalyi’s theory of flow. below is a summary of the main feautures of this concept (from wikipedia):

1. Clear goals (expectations and rules are discernible).
2. Concentrating and focusing, a high degree of concentration on a limited field of attention (a person engaged in the activity will have the opportunity to focus and to delve deeply into it).
3. A loss of the feeling of self-consciousness, the merging of action and awareness.
4. Distorted sense of time - one’s subjective experience of time is altered.
5. Direct and immediate feedback (successes and failures in the course of the activity are apparent, so that behavior can be adjusted as needed).
6. Balance between ability level and challenge (the activity is neither too easy nor too difficult).
7. A sense of personal control over the situation or activity.
8. The activity is intrinsically rewarding, so there is an effortlessness of action.

I didn’t include this in my lit review for two reasons:

1. although i was writing about some of the major theories of play, i wasn’t really planning to include “every single one” of them.
2. i’m not quite sure how applicable this theory is in a multi-tasking environemnt like life we live today. we’re pretty much creatures of what Linda Stone terms “contiunous partial attention” and i’m not quite sure how relevant flow theory can be with mobile communication, particulary because i want to shift attention from “mobile games” to new, more intrinsic forms of play that are afforded by the mobile phone - for example, emerging forms of play through mobile social networking. i don’t know if it was a mistake to not include him, but then again, it was a draft, of a confirmation document, so i don’t really think it would matter at this stage.

on a slightly different note, if you’re interested to see flow theory in action, check jenova chen’s site (http://www.jenovachen.com/flowingames). i absolutely love “cloud” - i became so excited and emotional while playing it. i saw it being played on a bigger screen at ACMI in october this year. kids and big kids seemed to be very much enjoying the game.
on the last day of my own “confimration writing hermit camp” i found myself thinking, “think about all the things that you can do once this is done, jaz! like, marking!”

well, it’s true. i’m here in my office, marking exam papers. once this is done, i will get on to the website work i’d really like to finish asap, and a chaper outline for an upcoming book on cultural economy. when that’s done, i’ll finally be able to make some slides for my confirmation seminar, and very quickly go to melbourne for the digital natives in australia & korea conference and of course, koko black’s chocolates and laurent’s bread. it’s going to be pretty hectic till i leave for korea for my sister’s wedding. but i’m enjoying the business very much - perhaps i’m in flow.

Losang Rabgey grew up as a Tibetan refugee in Canada. Her childhood included countless demonstrations in the cold streets outside of empty Chinese embassies. She remembers being stopped by an Anglophone Canadian at one demonstration who asked, “Why are a bunch of Asians asking for a Free Quebec?” She realized that there’s a long way to go in terms of education about Tibet.
full article here

m: he got kicked out only because he’s gay.
j: what? is that still happening?

it was a joke, marcus.

there are many things that we need to care about - we just can’t stay ignorant about. sometimes it’s overwheleming to see just how much we need to learn and practically apply what we know to keep the sustainability of this world adequate and healthy. when i was younger, i simply didn’t care. i just couldn’t figure out why the whole world was against me. i was angry, naive, foolish, and ignorant. it’s only this year, i think, that i started to see myself for who i really am (at least at this moment of my life) and consequently accept the enormous problems that are beyond me, and that though i may not be able to solve all those problems, i can at least contribute to the slow/quick solving process.

marcus asked me today what the purpose of my phd was. well, apart from the general willingness to “contribute to the world knowledge,” there’s a few.

1. i want to get people to pay more attention to non-western cultures (especially east-asian culture, to which i was born) in this euro-americo-cetric world
2. i want young people to know that they’re not only littlies who can’t do anything (the world, after all, is not really against you)
3. i want to see positive aspects of technology (we’ve done more than enough harm to the nature, of which we’re part)
4. i want people to play (and be happy/ier)

these are pretty general statements, really. but i don’t see my phd as my definitive answer to the world’s problems. it’s a stepping stone. as marcus said, we take over the world after the phd, not with it.

recently i’ve been thinking about quite a few things, but mostly about myself (ha! selfishness shamelessly exposed) and i’ve made some significant decisions in and for my life. it’s pretty exciting. before i actually involve myself with those decisions, i think i’ll go away for a few days and just be alone. of course, as a good student should, i will take my work with me - work may not be against me, but it’s waiting for me. the only place i can think of is chenrezig. i love the air and the sky there, and most importantly, their chai… (jaz, temporarily loses consciousness and starts drooling … then wakes up). well, anyway… i think i should stop here and go for a walk… or make chai or something.