I wonder why bugs just come to crash and burn.
I wonder why they don’t go to sleep.
I wonder if typing under my sheet is a good idea.
My back hurts, but at least the bugs don’t die.
I wish I could breathe better in here.
I wish I had that piece of chocolate cake and chai today.
Winds get so wild at night.
I’m not sure if I could do the same walk now as I did this morning.
I’ve been hearing a cow mooing. day and night.
I wonder if there really is a cow somewhere nearby.
Maybe it’s a bear. Or a big cow-like dog. I don’t know.

I wanted to go away to be alone.
So here I am, at Chenrezig.
Holy crap hasn’t happened yet; holy epiphany hasn’t either.
It’s weird how quickly the new becomes the familiar.
I’m not wondering about the meaning of my existence as a human being or how everything arises from emptiness. Perhaps I should’ve gone along to that all-day “deepening your meditation” course that was happening today. Perhaps not.

Some moments have been precious as ever. With the beautiful trees and flowers, the naughty bush turkey following me for no apparent reason (I’ve got a phobia for any species that belongs to the class Aves), and a simple chat with Andrew, who sweeps and cooks here.

I remembered how I used to walk around holding hands with a friend. I remembered some other things not as pleasant. Memory lives on in such a tricky manner. I never know what’s true and what’s not. I enjoyed my last meal in Brisbane at Mondo . The baby beet & yoghurt tart, pear and raspberry juice, the gorgeous girl who served us. It was beautiful. I think I’ll go back there for my first meal back in Brisbane. Soup this time. Then I’ll walk across the road, go inside my place, and feel at home. I have beautiful jasmine on my balcony. I cleverly named her Jas. I’ll have a siesta, just like today.

There are so many questions but not enough answers. I wonder if this is the way it’s supposed to be. Maybe I really should go to the second part of “deepening your meditation” tomorrow. Alternatively, I can do exactly the same thing as today – take a walk, eat, read, sleep, do little things, and not type under the sheet at night, then sleep – and see what happens.

Losang Rabgey grew up as a Tibetan refugee in Canada. Her childhood included countless demonstrations in the cold streets outside of empty Chinese embassies. She remembers being stopped by an Anglophone Canadian at one demonstration who asked, “Why are a bunch of Asians asking for a Free Quebec?” She realized that there’s a long way to go in terms of education about Tibet.
full article here

m: he got kicked out only because he’s gay.
j: what? is that still happening?

it was a joke, marcus.

there are many things that we need to care about - we just can’t stay ignorant about. sometimes it’s overwheleming to see just how much we need to learn and practically apply what we know to keep the sustainability of this world adequate and healthy. when i was younger, i simply didn’t care. i just couldn’t figure out why the whole world was against me. i was angry, naive, foolish, and ignorant. it’s only this year, i think, that i started to see myself for who i really am (at least at this moment of my life) and consequently accept the enormous problems that are beyond me, and that though i may not be able to solve all those problems, i can at least contribute to the slow/quick solving process.

marcus asked me today what the purpose of my phd was. well, apart from the general willingness to “contribute to the world knowledge,” there’s a few.

1. i want to get people to pay more attention to non-western cultures (especially east-asian culture, to which i was born) in this euro-americo-cetric world
2. i want young people to know that they’re not only littlies who can’t do anything (the world, after all, is not really against you)
3. i want to see positive aspects of technology (we’ve done more than enough harm to the nature, of which we’re part)
4. i want people to play (and be happy/ier)

these are pretty general statements, really. but i don’t see my phd as my definitive answer to the world’s problems. it’s a stepping stone. as marcus said, we take over the world after the phd, not with it.

recently i’ve been thinking about quite a few things, but mostly about myself (ha! selfishness shamelessly exposed) and i’ve made some significant decisions in and for my life. it’s pretty exciting. before i actually involve myself with those decisions, i think i’ll go away for a few days and just be alone. of course, as a good student should, i will take my work with me - work may not be against me, but it’s waiting for me. the only place i can think of is chenrezig. i love the air and the sky there, and most importantly, their chai… (jaz, temporarily loses consciousness and starts drooling … then wakes up). well, anyway… i think i should stop here and go for a walk… or make chai or something.

met mitchell at govinda’s this afternoon.we talked, ate, laughed, walked past the sneaky sound system’s performance on the mall, and parted at the end of the mall, across the road from the treasury casino.

shuttle back to kelvin grove. it’s a festitive time here this week/end, with the brisbane writers festival and the valley fiesta happening in and around central brisbane.

when i was a child, my mum always thought that i’d be a poet. i really don’t see it happening now, sadly. i’m a professional student. however, aesthetics is one of my fundamental values in life - and art is very important to me in various ways. it’s probably because art, as Huizinga says, is deeply rooted in the primaeval soil of play; “play” is my motto.

i played at the brisbane writers festival for the first time last year. i learned a lot, and learning is what i (must) do as a professional student ;) anyway, i’m going to stop here with a little piece by li-young lee, a great poet in my eyes and heart. my friend asako introduced me to the world of li-young lee. at first i thought he was korean because of his name, but later found out more about his family/cultural history, which was quite interesting. i found “rose,” his first book of poems hidden in archives. i bought it for someone but read it first. i loved it. anyway, here’s the second poem in the book, also one of my favourites:

The Gift

To pull the metal splinter from my palm
my father recited a story in a low voice.
I watched his lovely face and not the blade.
Before the story ended, he’d removed
the iron sliver I thought I’d die from.

I can’t remember the tale,
but hear his voice still, a well
of dark water, a prayer.
And I recall his hands,
two measures of tenderness
he laid against my face,
the flames of discipline
he raised above my head.

Had you entered that afternoon
you would have thought you saw a man
planting something in a boy’s palm,
a silver tear, a tiny flame.
Had you followed that boy
you would have arrived here,
where I bend over my wife’s right hand.

Look how I shave her thumbnail down
so carefully she feels no pain.
Watch as I lift the splinter out.
I was seven when my father
took my hand like this,
and I did not hold that shard
between my fingers and think,
Metal that will bury me,
christen it Little Assassin,
Ore Going Deep for My Heart.
And I did not lift up my wound and cry,
Death visited here!
I did what a child does
when he’s given something to keep.
I kissed my father.

oh, and i’m trying to get hold of bronwyn lea’s “flight animals.” i got to read a few poems over lunch with oksana, and was very much impressed. there was a particular one that i really liked, but unfortunately i can’t remember the title. i’d like to read it again and the whole book but i’m not sure where i can buy it. if anyone knows how to get hold of this book, please let me know. (edited: got a copy now. thanks to lovely siall)

moved to a new place in west end - actually, it’s on the border of west end, hill end, and highgate hill. it’s my second time living around here, and am really loving it. in every possible way, it’s different to where i used to live: macgregor. in the true tradition of feng shui, i thought i’d pick four great things about my new hood, each representing one of the four basic directions (all feng shui info from care2):

• NORTH
  Color: Green
  Concepts: The energy of the north is a no-nonsense force to be reckoned with. The magnetic pole channels energy from north to south. North is associated with invincibility and warriorship, but also danger in arrogance, vanity, and pride. It implies threats and the need for protection.
  Element: Air (wind)
  Energy: Vitality
  Healing: Invincibility, ability to overcome obstacles.

  // The air. The playful yet peaceful atmosphere unlike the teenage rave vibe of New Farm or artsy snobbery of Paddington.

• SOUTH
  Color: Golden yellow
  Concept: Heat, strength, and fecundity, the south also gather luck, beauty, and “ears of corn.”
  Element: Earth
  Energy: Solar heat and light.
  Healing: Overcoming of poverty

  // The food. What can I say? Mondo, the Forrest, Caravanserai, Lychee Lounge, Flour Power, Sakura… so many places to go for good food and drinks. Then there’s also Avid Reader, Bent Books, and Tongue and Groove. It’s a feast – culinary and cultural.

• EAST
  Color: Blue
  Concepts: Vision, clarity, emergence of form, insight, intellectual learning, and spiritual vision.
  Element: Clear water
  Energy: Still and reflective
  Healing: Physical and mental health.

  // The walk. I enjoy walking around. West End is visually interesting as a suburb, so it’s always fun to walk around and look at houses and people; it’s also very close to many difference places/suburbs, so walking is always convenient and pleasant at the same time. West End is surrounded with bridges, which is an aspect I like very much. I like bridges – probably because I tend to burn my own.

• WEST
  Color: Red
  Concepts: Warmth, passion, promise of pleasure, endings and death as the sun and the moon set in the west.
  Element: Fire
  Energy: Color and warmth in your home.
  Healing: Wisdom gleaned from trial by fire. Pleasure and pain.

  // The people. People are fascinating especially here in West End. People seem to “care” about important things in life, which is becoming more and more a rare quality in today’s society. As private a person as I am, I do appreciate the strong “community spirit” of West End and support it, too. I went to Andy’s friend Jackie’s party the other night. It was a very West Endish party, with trees, stars, openness, warmth, laughter, good food, dogs, and people – mostly West Enders. No sense of staleness.

give me a call, when you’re around west end. let’s catch up.

went to the inaugural ici research symposium last week.

during the panel discussion session, erica mcwilliam (education) said, “people don’t want to be creative if that involves letting go of what they have. people are lazy that way.” not her exact words, but something along those lines.

during “consumer cultures” lecture this afternoon, christina spurgeon said, “habit is different from mindlessness.”

i feel the relevance of these ideas more acutely these days than ever before. every time i need to make a decision, or simply to live every moment, i find myself having to re-establish and/or refer to my emotional and conceptual frameworks, and sometimes this process feels extremely limiting, especially when i can see that i’m trying to base the “being” on the ”have been.” it sounds like a natural process but depending on the context, the outcome may be pretty devastating - prejudice, ignorance, anger, and fear. so many things can stem from this ostensibly simple procedure.

to achieve the illusion of the present perfect (have been), i sometimes kid myself with the past simple (was) and frequently insist on the present continuous (am -ing). the result is obvious and simple: i can’t see the truth, or rather, i can’t be true. scattered mind - which leads to a ridiculously high level of 1) rash (and wrong) decisions and/or 2) indecisiveness. either way, it creates bad karma by being ignorant and burdening others with my own responsibilities.

like many others, i wish to be simply happy. i wish for more simplicity in life and in appreciating happiness. i really don’t think that reading Eckhart Tolle (who wrote “the power of now”) will help me. i don’t think that seclusion from society will enlighten me either. and drugs wouldn’t be of much help.

i believe that i need to be stop being lazy. i have been lazy. i let others do my work, as in hoping and trying to persuade others that they should make me happy. i’ve been trying to stick to the past, swimming upstream. i couldn’t let go. my habit of mindless repetition of the past tied me to this poorly cultivated habitus of mine. i don’t respect uncreative minds = i couldn’t respect my mind; not all the time, but sometimes, many times. my own fault. but now i also realise that compunction wouldn’t help.

to be — present simple.

i will try — future can be simple, too.

i am trying – yoroshiku onegaishimasu.

not sure exactly why, but i felt very strongly tonight that i had to think about these and find a way to let creativity flow better. i guess life’s more fun that way; “play” has always been my motto. oh, maybe it’s the ekka. the whole festive air of brisbane ;)

there was a social event at the Normanby last friday. lots to celebrate - birthdays, new baby, and even a PhD (no, it wasn’t me… :( ) i only wanted one drink. “i’ll have a beez neez, thanks.” and for the first time in years…

i got carded.

well, i guess i added another reason to celebrate.

// sorry. can’t show you my face for legal reasons