I’ve lost my mobile phone twice recently - within three days.

The first time I lost it was when I was walking to work from home on Saturday. A friend of mine called me to discuss our plans for the evening and either because I was in a bad reception area or because her rather moody phone didn’t want us to talk anymore, we couldn’t reach each other for several minutes. I kept trying to call, but gave up, and put the phone back into my bag. Then I walked on with my Ipod’s volume down, so that I can hear my phone ringing when my friend calls. I walked on for another several minutes and decided that I should call her. I’m on a monthly capped plan, so I have enough freedom to call someone without worrying about the bill or running out of prepaid credit. Changing to this capped plan has made a huge difference in how I communicate and work, but that’s for another discussion or a blog entry.

So I put my hand into my bag and moved it around, waiting for that sensation of my skin touching the skin of my mobile phone pouch. Eventually I had to stop and actually look inside the bag. I had my wallet, notebook, and water… but no mobile. I had to look several times until I could really accept that the phone was no longer there. I panicked and walked up and down the streets between where I was and where I had stopped talking on the phone.

I was devastated. I couldn’t gather my thoughts together. I think there were some worries about forth-coming “very important” phone calls, some possible plans about how I could “triangulate” the location of the phone and whether such a method was even possible in Australia, regrets about why it wasn’t insured, and also the worry that I may have to get a new number and it’s going to be hell to try to remember it. I went on a renewed contract recently, and this phone (Sony Ericsson K800i) is not one of the cheaper models available, so the financial consequences (let’s not forget I’m a PhD student) were to be significant. Besides, I “borrowed” my sister’s rare phone pouch (without much intention to return - it’s related to this animation that’s related to my research … complicated story.. or excuse) and it was still officially hers, not mine. Losing it would bring about some serious sibling dispute.

Amongst all these thoughts and emotions though, the biggest was the helpless feeling of loss. As I was walking up and down like a crazy woman (luckily I didn’t howl or anything in my mournful state) I was completely lost in the overwheleming emotion stemming from the idea that I may never get to see some of those saved text messages and photos again. Unlike Japan, we still predominantly use sms for messaging rather than mobile email. With the phone gone, important fragments of my life vanished. Those sweet and bitter messages from past lovers (at least those I hadn’t deleted while cursing), beautiful moments of my life I visually captured, things I wanted to send but never could so were saved in my draft folder… all these were gone. I was devastated.

After a while I gained some rationality back and decided to call the phone. No answer. No answer.

Eventually a guy picked up. But as soon as I said “I think you have my mobile” he stopped talking and I could hear him talking with a woman about what he should do. He was saying that he really liked the phone etc. He hung up. I was really afraid that he wouldn’t return the phone because well… he liked it very much. I called again and again, and thought that if he really wanted to keep it, I would ask him to at least give me a chance to tranfer my history into … whatever was to replace my Sony Erikson K800i. He eventually picked up again, and we arranged to meet. He initially suggested that we meet on Monday, but I just could not wait that long… and why should I? We were within a very close proximity. So happily, I got my phone back, thanked him, and was the happiest person in the world for a while.

Today my phone is elsewhere. I think it’s in my office. I’m pretty sure it is; in fact, I know it is, so although it’s not here with me physically, I’m fine. Thanks to auto-refreshing gmail, I promptly receive important messages. Just a few minutes ago, I arranged to meet a friend tomorrow morning (we haven’t IM’ed each other yet). I knew that he would’ve messaged or called rather than sending an email to make such a suggestion (at 10pm to meet tomorrow morning), so I assumed that he had tried to call; I checked my mobile email, which stores voice messages, and yes, he was righ there :)

Through these experiences, I’ve come to think more about the embeddedness of the mobile phone in my life (physically, socially, and psychologically), personal narrative/history and the role of the mobile in constructing and storing it, multi-layered techno-social networks in which both I and the phone act as nodes, and the feeling of “loss” in general. What does it mean to “possess” something in relation to tangibility? What does it mean to be without a mobile phone?

Good think these past three days made me think. But at least for a while, I would like to be spared from the feeling/s of loss.

queen jean tagged me so here it goes :)

1) as a child, i couldn’t have been furthest from the land of scholaristic/academic brainia; i was an absolute under-achiever. this was partly because i was just plain weird. i refused to participate in academic activities against my (philosophical) beliefs… whatever. for example, i refused to answer any of the subtraction questions in my math exam becaues, according to young jaz, apparently we should try to be positive (+), not negative (-)… my parents were called in, and i’m sure they had a very enjoyable conversation with my teacher. i actually had no recollection of this until mum told me about a year ago. to my family, it’s a miracle that i’m in academia.

2) i’m fascinated by all forms of fortune telling. korean shamanism really interests me on various levels but i’m not a fan of witchcraft. i also do tarot readings for people sometimes. when i first came to australia, one of my homestay mothers was a jahova’s witness and she used to take me to special meetings and give me bible lessons. quite clearly she had high hopes of me becoming a great jahova’s witness… well, it appears that i’ve failed her, slightly.

3) once i won a karaoke competition. i was the only under-age karaokean there. i sang some silly R&B song, but i don’t remember a single word or a note of that song at all now. anyway, i won a deck chair as a prize, which i couldn’t pick up because i didn’t have my licence then. and i was living by myself, hence no one to help me with tasks like picking up a karaoke prize. the last time i did karaoke was in japan early last year. four of us nondakures (drunks) + (what appears to be) an endless supply of alcohol + yummy hokkaido dishes = fun times. people close to me tell me that i talk and sing trilingually - in japanese, korean, and english - when alcohol takes me over. of course no one understands what i’m saying or singing then.

4) i’m ornithophobic. i have inherent fear of birds. about a year ago, someone made me feed little birds. that someone told me “trust me. you’ll be fine, you’ll see.” i thought, “yeah right, the only thing that i’ll see is none of you!” well, i did end up feeding them - after all, he was the one with the car key and it didn’t feel too smart to stay in the middle of nowhere in the mountains. thanks to him, i’m much more comfortable with those terrifying flying creatures now.  

5) i cry to some most random things. the other day, i cried to a lily allen’s song. god, i wish i’d never told you that.

 i tag lucy, carmen, and hanna.

i did my confirmation yesterday.

it was suggested that i would focus more on korea rather than sacrifising depth for breadth; why don’t you focus on korea? dropping japan and china brought about ambivalent feelings. on one hand, i was rather relieved that it’s more manageably narrow, but on the other hand, i was disappointed that i wouldn’t get a chance to explore - practically - countries that i really wanted to find out more about.

the major reason why i didn’t have much hesitation in accepting this change was that they had actually thought about my possible future trajectories - something that i don’t even think about as often and seriously as i should! i was very impressed by that.

so now i will be focusing on korea, but i can surely have china and japan as comparative subjects on a non-practical level i can look at theories and empirical studies on these two countries and use them in relation to korea. but michael mentioned that if i find in the future that it’s absolutely necessary for me to go over to china or japan, i can always talk to my supervisors.

i’m happy with the result; i don’t quite remember how my presentation went - i was really overly tired and still suffering from my hurried travel to uni with a concern that i may be late for my own confirmation.

academic results, ideas that we can talk about, ambitions, iq, and what not - there are many things that matter to me as a phd student. but yesterday, i realised what matters to me as a person is not such things, but what i already had but of which importance i had not been aware: genuine feelings. i was so touched by people who came to support me - some even with presents, some with drinks post-seminar, and some who were on the way out of brisbane.

this year was such a “people’s year” for me. i learned a lot of lessons, lost a few souls who were very special to me, and met new people wonderful and genuine. for all my life, i’ve always felt that i was in a in-between state; particularly being in between two different cultures with my family in one and friends in the other never felt so simple. on a positive note, it’s great as it gives me wider/varied viewes on things, but on a not so positive note, it’s very difficult to hold things together alone in between. i think i learned how to be stronger as i am this year through experiences and people. i’m very grateful.

i should go and get ready to go to GoMA to check out APT. got up late, no yoga for me, but still GoMA awaits! very excited. i’ll end with a quote that was written on the card lovely donna gave me yesterday:

The world of reality has its limits;

the world of imagination is boundless.

– Jean-Jacques Rousseau

i’ve been generally very happy with my ipod.

my confidence in its ability to satisfy my (very reasonable) expectations grew day by day that i’ve come to casually ignore the whole “remove this device” or “drag it to trash” thing and just plug it out whenever i felt appropriate. ha- big mistake.

a few days ago i lost everything i had on my ipod. it was such a refreshing sensation when i walked outside, and press the menu button and tada- an empty ipod, back to its factory condition. i was lost for words. it was unexpected in every way.

although it was a fault of my own, i started to blame the technology: “well, you’ve never done this before so why did you decide to start being silly now? this is just ridiculous!”

so now i’m a little short on the number of albums on my ipod. i’ve been too busy to go through my computers - desktop and laptop - and transfer tracks scattered here and there. right now i have:

• chocolates & cigarettes EP - angus & julia stone
• dummy - portishead
• french for beginners podcast
• high times singles 1992-2006 - jamiroquai
• let’s get out of this country - camera obscura
• on the rocks! - ego wrappin’
• philosopher’s zone podcast

i’ve been listening to the same things over and over, and as a result i’m getting addicted to certain tracks like lloyd, i’m ready to be heartbroken; well come to think of it, all camera obscura’s songs are highly addictive.

anyway, i wished “repeatedly” ipods had wireless data transfer capabilities. no need to plug things in and out. no need to lose all your songs and find yourself outside songless when you could really do with some. i wonder if there are any plans to implement this.

soon there will be wireless electricity.

US researchers have outlined a relatively simple system that could deliver power to devices such as laptop computers or MP3 players without wires.
original story here

when this becomes reality for everyday life, it’s going to be absolutely crazy in a country like korea, especially with wireless broandband technologies like WiBro. it would be really strange (and dangerous) to walk outside and someone just suck all available (public and private) information about me out of me - or my wireless device, more like. the sensation that i had with my empty ipod would be nothing compared to how i would feel then.

full confirmation document draft - done.

there were so many other things that i wanted to include but i thought i had better things to do than perfecting my confirmation document. i managed to have about 14 hours of sleep in the past five days, and the last day of this madness, i couldn’t think about anything but rice crackers for some reason. i couldn’t get my mind off the subject. the texture, some wrapped in seaweed, some green, some glazed, the saltiness, the cracking sound in your mouth … it wasn’t even that i desired to eat them. it was just everything sensory about them that completely occupied my mind. i suppose writing your confirmation document is not such a sensory experience other than feeling the stiffness on your shoulder, dry eyes, constant hunger that is usually dealt with food that’s edible at its best, and dry skin (and mind), so it was very natural that my mind was craving for sensory experiences like a junkie.

in the literature review section, i didn’t include Csikszentmihalyi’s theory of flow. below is a summary of the main feautures of this concept (from wikipedia):

1. Clear goals (expectations and rules are discernible).
2. Concentrating and focusing, a high degree of concentration on a limited field of attention (a person engaged in the activity will have the opportunity to focus and to delve deeply into it).
3. A loss of the feeling of self-consciousness, the merging of action and awareness.
4. Distorted sense of time - one’s subjective experience of time is altered.
5. Direct and immediate feedback (successes and failures in the course of the activity are apparent, so that behavior can be adjusted as needed).
6. Balance between ability level and challenge (the activity is neither too easy nor too difficult).
7. A sense of personal control over the situation or activity.
8. The activity is intrinsically rewarding, so there is an effortlessness of action.

I didn’t include this in my lit review for two reasons:

1. although i was writing about some of the major theories of play, i wasn’t really planning to include “every single one” of them.
2. i’m not quite sure how applicable this theory is in a multi-tasking environemnt like life we live today. we’re pretty much creatures of what Linda Stone terms “contiunous partial attention” and i’m not quite sure how relevant flow theory can be with mobile communication, particulary because i want to shift attention from “mobile games” to new, more intrinsic forms of play that are afforded by the mobile phone - for example, emerging forms of play through mobile social networking. i don’t know if it was a mistake to not include him, but then again, it was a draft, of a confirmation document, so i don’t really think it would matter at this stage.

on a slightly different note, if you’re interested to see flow theory in action, check jenova chen’s site (http://www.jenovachen.com/flowingames). i absolutely love “cloud” - i became so excited and emotional while playing it. i saw it being played on a bigger screen at ACMI in october this year. kids and big kids seemed to be very much enjoying the game.
on the last day of my own “confimration writing hermit camp” i found myself thinking, “think about all the things that you can do once this is done, jaz! like, marking!”

well, it’s true. i’m here in my office, marking exam papers. once this is done, i will get on to the website work i’d really like to finish asap, and a chaper outline for an upcoming book on cultural economy. when that’s done, i’ll finally be able to make some slides for my confirmation seminar, and very quickly go to melbourne for the digital natives in australia & korea conference and of course, koko black’s chocolates and laurent’s bread. it’s going to be pretty hectic till i leave for korea for my sister’s wedding. but i’m enjoying the business very much - perhaps i’m in flow.

I wonder why bugs just come to crash and burn.
I wonder why they don’t go to sleep.
I wonder if typing under my sheet is a good idea.
My back hurts, but at least the bugs don’t die.
I wish I could breathe better in here.
I wish I had that piece of chocolate cake and chai today.
Winds get so wild at night.
I’m not sure if I could do the same walk now as I did this morning.
I’ve been hearing a cow mooing. day and night.
I wonder if there really is a cow somewhere nearby.
Maybe it’s a bear. Or a big cow-like dog. I don’t know.

I wanted to go away to be alone.
So here I am, at Chenrezig.
Holy crap hasn’t happened yet; holy epiphany hasn’t either.
It’s weird how quickly the new becomes the familiar.
I’m not wondering about the meaning of my existence as a human being or how everything arises from emptiness. Perhaps I should’ve gone along to that all-day “deepening your meditation” course that was happening today. Perhaps not.

Some moments have been precious as ever. With the beautiful trees and flowers, the naughty bush turkey following me for no apparent reason (I’ve got a phobia for any species that belongs to the class Aves), and a simple chat with Andrew, who sweeps and cooks here.

I remembered how I used to walk around holding hands with a friend. I remembered some other things not as pleasant. Memory lives on in such a tricky manner. I never know what’s true and what’s not. I enjoyed my last meal in Brisbane at Mondo . The baby beet & yoghurt tart, pear and raspberry juice, the gorgeous girl who served us. It was beautiful. I think I’ll go back there for my first meal back in Brisbane. Soup this time. Then I’ll walk across the road, go inside my place, and feel at home. I have beautiful jasmine on my balcony. I cleverly named her Jas. I’ll have a siesta, just like today.

There are so many questions but not enough answers. I wonder if this is the way it’s supposed to be. Maybe I really should go to the second part of “deepening your meditation” tomorrow. Alternatively, I can do exactly the same thing as today – take a walk, eat, read, sleep, do little things, and not type under the sheet at night, then sleep – and see what happens.