in between
I wonder why bugs just come to crash and burn.
I wonder why they don’t go to sleep.
I wonder if typing under my sheet is a good idea.
My back hurts, but at least the bugs don’t die.
I wish I could breathe better in here.
I wish I had that piece of chocolate cake and chai today.
Winds get so wild at night.
I’m not sure if I could do the same walk now as I did this morning.
I’ve been hearing a cow mooing. day and night.
I wonder if there really is a cow somewhere nearby.
Maybe it’s a bear. Or a big cow-like dog. I don’t know.
I wanted to go away to be alone.
So here I am, at Chenrezig.
Holy crap hasn’t happened yet; holy epiphany hasn’t either.
It’s weird how quickly the new becomes the familiar.
I’m not wondering about the meaning of my existence as a human being or how everything arises from emptiness. Perhaps I should’ve gone along to that all-day “deepening your meditation” course that was happening today. Perhaps not.
Some moments have been precious as ever. With the beautiful trees and flowers, the naughty bush turkey following me for no apparent reason (I’ve got a phobia for any species that belongs to the class Aves), and a simple chat with Andrew, who sweeps and cooks here.
I remembered how I used to walk around holding hands with a friend. I remembered some other things not as pleasant. Memory lives on in such a tricky manner. I never know what’s true and what’s not. I enjoyed my last meal in Brisbane at Mondo . The baby beet & yoghurt tart, pear and raspberry juice, the gorgeous girl who served us. It was beautiful. I think I’ll go back there for my first meal back in Brisbane. Soup this time. Then I’ll walk across the road, go inside my place, and feel at home. I have beautiful jasmine on my balcony. I cleverly named her Jas. I’ll have a siesta, just like today.
There are so many questions but not enough answers. I wonder if this is the way it’s supposed to be. Maybe I really should go to the second part of “deepening your meditation” tomorrow. Alternatively, I can do exactly the same thing as today – take a walk, eat, read, sleep, do little things, and not type under the sheet at night, then sleep – and see what happens.
November 2nd, 2006 at 9:59 pm
Are you meant to be typing under your sheet while on retreat?? Are lap-tops allowed??? :-)
November 16th, 2006 at 5:54 pm
Ahaha. I didn’t go there to do a special program or anything so I was allowed to do pretty much anything apart from “prohibited activities” such as dancing, smoking, drinking, sex etc. I was almost good … I danced in the forrest (but not for too long).
Bugs would fly into lights and die, so I didn’t want to attract those little ones with my laptop. I had a little desk lamp thing in my room but I never used it after the first night, as I found about 107 little dead bodies the next morning. They should just give us candles or something. Then again, fire hazards are not really a good idea especially when it’s hidden in the mountains.
November 29th, 2006 at 5:48 am
Hey Jaz -
Having sat with candles through many blackouts I can assure you that bugs drown themselves in the wax. Or sizzle to death.
Same thing with gas lamps.
Night vision goggles is the only Buddhist option, really.
Or going to bed -really- early :-)