came back from chenrezig.

my initial plan was to stay there for four nyung na’s, but after one and a half, it became clear to me that it’d be better for me to leave earlier. nyung nä (pronounced nyung-nay) was originated by an ancient indian princess, Gelongma Palmo, and continues to this day as a significant part of tibetan buddhism. it’s a “purification” process, in which you learn and practice compassion by creating positive energy not for yourself, but for all other sentient beings. each nyung nä involves two days of practice - on the first day you have one big lunch around 11:30am and unlimited liquid, followed by a full day of fasting without food, liquid, and talking. so really, it involves the following practices:

• 48 hours without food,
• 24 hours without liquid, and
• 36 hours without talking

on each day, there are four two-hour-sessions (5:00-7:00, 9:00-11:00, 13:00-15:00, and 17:00-19:00), each of which involes liturgical recitations and prostrations. it’s demanding physically and mentally.

actually, fasting was great. i learned so much about sufferings of various sentient beings, especially animals, children, etc. it’s an mesmerising thought when you can think how helplessly they would suffer without someone’s help, not having basic needs met and being unable to communicate their needs and sufferings. i felt that my compassion was growing immensely during my stay. it was amazing.

Doing Nyung Na is not just purifying many eons of negative karma, it is especially for developing compassion, bodhicitta. Each nyung nay makes us closer to enlightenment, that means closer to enlighten all sentient beings, which is our ultimate goal of life. And this is also making yourself closer to the Guru-compassion Buddha.”  - Kyabje Lama Zopa Rinpoche, LMB  July 2002

oksana and i had a really hard night the second night, as our bodies were trying to adjust to the lack of food and particularly water. although it was a very windy and chilly night, my body was so hot and i constantly had to fight the urge to throw up - well, i didn’t have much in my stomach, so there was nothing much to come out, really… but it’s amazing how quickly  your body adapts to changes. my body felt really light, and i didn’t even feel a slightest bit of hunger on the fourth day. i felt great. so the fasting part wasn’t that hard. it was actually the practice that made me contemplate and eventually leave earlier than planned.

right from the beginning, i felt uncomfortable with the contents of recitation. i didn’t understand the real meaning of most of the mantras (mostly in tibetan), and i didn’t feel comfortable with the prayers, especially those that involve lines like “bless me…” i thought that the core of buddhism was about blessing others through compassion and becoming wiser by gaining insights to “the ultimate truth” of life, which is simply the impermanence (or emptiness) of everything. in addition, i found the visualisations most distracting as i don’t believe in enforced symbolisation and imagination. i was more used to the zen-approach to meditation, which is focusing on the emptiness.

after thinking long and hard, i decided not to attend all four sessions each day. insteand, i attended two, and spend the rest of the day reading and meditating, while sending positive chi to all living beings. i have to be clear on this point that i didn’t think that there was anything “wrong” with tibetan buddhism; it was only that i was unfamiliar with some aspects of it, and i thought that i must first understand the meaning/s of what we did rather than blindly following what was told. i felt that if i just kept going, i would only be doing it simply to forget the physical exhaustion and mental confusion.

i started reading “the heart of the buddha’s path (1999)” by the dalai lama xiv, which answered a lot of questions i had in my mind directly and indirectly related to the tibetan buddhism. i spoke to venerable ailsa regarding my irregular attendance to the sessions; she kindly understood. nevertheless, i couldn’t help feeling as though i was being really disrespectful and rude. but the following lines in the book completely calmed this unsettling feeling of mine:

One of the reasons why I say that in Buddhist methodology, especially in Mahayana Buddhist methodology, greater emphasis is placed on reason and understanding, is because we find in Mahayana Buddhism a distinction between two different categories of Buddha’s words. Certain types of Buddhist scriptures can be taken as literal and definitive, and certain types cannot be taken at their face value … That (deciding which can and cannot be taken literally) can be done only by reliance on a form of reasoning. So ultimately understanding and investigation are the judge. This spirit is very clearly illustrated in Buddha’s oft-quoted statement: ‘Bhikshus and wise men do not accept my words just because they are the words of the Buddha, simply out of reverence for me, but just as a goldsmith would test the gold through various procedures and they finally make a judgement, similarly accept the validity of my statements only after you have subjected them to analysis and investigation (98-99).”

the tibetan buddhism is based on the two core elements of compassion and wisdom. so only with the both wings of compassion and wisdom, you can transcend to enlightenment. although i strongly felt the strengthening of my compassion wing, i didn’t feel the same for my wisdom wing. however, i didn’t want to give up on my learning of the tibetan buddhism altogether, as i’ve been greatly inspired by the teachings of numerous nuns and monks of tibetan buddhism, such as venerable robina courtin. nevertheless, one thing became very clear: i am not ready to jump right into Buddhism right at this point in my life. i’d like to practice compassion and love in a way that’s based on my genuine understanding of various beliefs and experiences, which will undoubtedly change and improve constantly. i don’t consider myself as a buddhist, not because i haven’t had such things as an offical “initiation” - i think what’s important is what’s in your mind, not merely what’s been conducted outside - but because i’m still learning and exploring different ideas and beliefs. but if i had to choose one religion for myself, i would probably choose buddhism.

during my second nyung nä, i felt not entirely but a lot more comfortable, and experienced great meditations and fantastically positive chi both in and out of the gompa. the way back to brisbane felt a little strange. a part of me was desperately pleading for a further stay in chenrezig, but i concurrently felt a fantastically positive energy and hope - i could feel that a big change would soon, or even already was, happening in my life. excited.

will i do it again? i’m not quite sure. i met some absolutely beautiful people there, and i had a spiritual growth that i’m genuinely grateful for. i’d love to go back. so i’ll have to learn more, and more importantly, see how i feel the same time next year :) at this stage, my advice for anyone who’s interested would be this: if you only want to find a peace of mind, i’d suggest you go up there and stay for a couple of days rather than participating in nyung nä - there are different kinds of accomodation and other activities you can participate in - but if you have knowledge and believe in the tibetan buddhism and nyung nä itself, then absolutely. if you’re like me, and really want to join but partially, then ask one of the nuns (probably venerable ailsa) and ask if it would be ok. she’ll probably say ok, but just to make sure :) in fact, i might do that next year, if i’m still around.

{+chi} for everyone-

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